Thursday, December 18, 2014


I've contemplated what I would say on this, your birthday. 
One you've looked forward to since your last one. 
No doubt an eventful month, celebrating your 40th. 
Equally important, your first born turned 21. 

In looking for the right words to express what it is I feel, 
The first thought was - restored my faith in love. 
On second thought, I realized even that is not so. 
What I knew before was anything but. 
What I knew before wouldn't even come close. 

Your patience has kept me grounded through rough times. 
Your spirit, a guiding light. 
Through you I have grown and learned so much 
Your presence inspires me to reach beyond my own walls 

Five hundred, thirty-three days ago was a milestone 
The day you walked back into my life 
To redefine my perception 
And the little thing called LOVE

Monday, November 3, 2014

Before love...

We made music 
Choir class, remember that?
Bass, soprano
Jazz standards,
Staccato, vibrato 
Mulatto our love child
Not a physical incarnation 
Still a Creation, manifestation 
Of us, we til infinity 
Not even death will part

Took a lifetime to realize 
To grow and learn
What two decades showed
Separately, individually 
Now binds us
Keeps us fresh & new
Remembering what in past lives 
Became stagnate 
Feeling unloved, unwanted, disrespected, unrelenting 
Negative vibes, why?

Questions don't matter now 
The answers we've got
To keep our hearts young & active 
Actively pleasing, 
Appeasing one another 
Brother, I will be your keeper
Teacher, not your mother
But your equal 
Soul sister, 
Mate, lover 
Rock, til the break of dawn
Sunrise, dusk and fall
Back, front, side
All sides of you I've got 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Aria's Seventh

Twenty first of September, what a day to remember! 
To some it may be just a regular, random day 
But to a select few, life as they knew, would change in a very big way. 
A little girl was born at dawn, bright and early 
Aria Idali, with an I, not an E. 
Seven years ago, on that day came to be. 
And every day since an adventure has been, 
For those who know her closely.
A happy girl is she, 
With tremendous curiosity, 
Fire, spark and luminosity. 
She is brave and quite fierce. 
Smart, gifted and quite imaginative. 
She has a big heart, though protects it 
No, it's not just a bark. 
She can be quite amusing and quite entertaining, 
Telling jokes, though at times backwards and with no ending. 
Her dance moves and drawing skills, she consistently tries to master. 
She has few dislikes, yet many, many likes. 
An adventurous little one, tries things at least once. 

For the last six years, she has grown and grown. 
Developing quite a character, all her own. 
And so as many kids, little peep squeak, 
Likes holidays, dances and parties and such. 
More than Valentines', Halloween and Christmas combined, 
There is one day, in particular 
Second to none, none other 
Than her own birthday celebration. 
The little girl's birthday could not come soon enough. 
For weeks, upon weeks, months, upon months 
Meticulously marking and counting down,   
For her day, birthday to near. 
The place easily chosen, by the little one 
A pizza place, though a least common one, 
With much more than tokens for kids to have fun.
Bumper  boats bumping, 
Go-karts a-going 
Climbing trees for climbing, 
Princesses singing 
Musical chairs gaming and face painters painting little bits's faces. 

But what about the theme? 
What should it be? 
Then one day while shopping, on a day like any other. 
Upon entering the big red dot store, 
In the bins closest to the floor, 
Guess what little one and her mommy discovered? 
There were pencils, erasers, book markers and cups, 
Drinking cups with fun and colorful characters. 
There was Red Fish and Blue Fish, 
And that guy Sam I am, who surely, truly liked Green Eggs and Ham. 
There was also that cat, you know the one with a big red and white hat? 
"That's it!" Exclaimed the little one's mother 
"For your party! Let's make it The Cat in the Hat! 
What do you think about that?" To little one she asked. 
She thought and she pondered, then kindly responded: 
"Ok, sure, let's do that!" 

As the big week approached, to her mom it occurred, 
How little on loved to play dress up. 
But who of all could she be?
Perhaps a Whoville Who?
Maybe Cindy Lou Who?
The Lorax or her fav the grinchy Grinch? 
They all sounded great, yet not quite a fit, 
 For big sis and little peep squeak.
Then just before bed, just a few days away,
While the sisters played and ran amok. 
Doing this, doing that, the opposite of what their mommy had asked,
Eureka! It clicked, they are the silly two things in the book, with the big cat.
Red, white and blue. Skirts, tutus made of tulle.
Two shirts, some felt and some white poster board. 
Pencils, scissors, needles and thread, 
Paint, markers and double stick tape. 
Two circles their mommy made, 
One "Thing 1", one "Thing 2", a surprise for the sisterly two. 

The day finally came, the celebration underway.
Friends and family gathered, some from near, others far.
Some drove clear across town,
To run, skip, jump and play. 
There was plenty of food, everyone in good moods, 
They sang Happy Birthday and ate yummy cake. 
And those pencils, bookmarkers, erasers and such, 
In the Dr Seuss character clad cups 
Were the "candy bags", the loot kids made off with 
And you'll never believe, what a hoot! 
Not a peep or a squeak for the ixnayed candy! 
And so that was that, said the cat in the hat, 
Who happened to be Thing 1 and Thing 2's mom,
"Thank you all for coming and joining in cheer
As we celebrated Aria's seventh year!" 

"Happy birthday my little dear. 
Hope the time you awaited for this day was worth it. 
May this day stay with you now and forever. 
For the lucky number seven, has never been luckier, 
Now that it has you to share it. 
As quick witted as you are, fast as lighting and growing so tall,
It's a wonder you didn't just altogether skipt it! 
So on this day, twenty-first of September, from now until forever,
Don't forget, always remember mommy loves you, just as you are, 
From your toes, all the way to the top of your skull, 
And every little bit in between. 
Yes, even when you are grumpy and even say something mean. 
On this day,the twenty-first, my favorite in September. 
My life changed forever, for you make it better and better."

Friday, August 8, 2014

T&T clarity...

I had a man but let him go
For loving me more than I've ever known 
For loving me more than I realized I deserve
For loving me more than I thought I could return 
I had a man, a great man
Willing to take on more than what's his own
A man that saw me for all my worth 
A man who saw beyond my flaws
Who didn't see scars, but beauty marks
A man who saw me as an asset to his life
Who couldn't imagine it without me a part  
I had a man but let him go                 
A man who loved me more than I've ever known
A man who never let me go
A man who never gave up hope
A man who had my back 
Even when I lost sight of it all
I have a man who loves me so 
More than I could ever hope for


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Let me in...

You want to, but resist 
Know you shouldn't let me in 
I'll infect and permeate your head
The first thought as you arise 
The last when you rest at night 
The alpha and omega 
And everything in between 
When you breathe you'll inhale me
When you dream it'll be of me
My hips, my curves, my kiss, my caress
Such a part of you I'll become
Living deep within your soul
Feel the presence of my embrace
Shadowing your every move
My scent will linger in your memory
Like the melody of your favorite tune
From faithful concubine
To leading lady of every fantasy
The object of your every desire 
You'll scream my name, tap out 
Then come begging back for more
You'll never want another 
Forget all that came before 
You'll sabotage my time 
Keep me to yourself 
And never let me go
Let me in, you won't regret it
I'll just fuck up the life 
You've come to know
You'll fall and fall hard 
Like you never have before
You'll love me madly
And sweetly and deeply
Like no one has before 
Let me in, what you waiting for?
It'll be the sweetest thing
You've ever known 
Let me in, I dare ya
Keep me safe
I'll keep you on your toes


Wednesday, July 2, 2014


Near sighted 
Didn't see ya comin      
Wasn't even lookin
Didn't even notice 
The scopin & checkin 
Completely blind sided

Sweet and unexpected 
Surprise, you drew me in 
So smooth and charming
Strong, handsome, charismatic 
Completely magnetizin
Gazes met 
Your sad eyes sparkled 
My butterflies fluttered 
At first touch 
Electricity transpired 
Couldn't keep away
From one another 

Lips met
At first kiss
Took my breath away
Ran alongside my
Imagination, inspired 
Thoughts monopolized

You, Me, Our
Bodies intertwined 
Hands wandered
Touchin, Feelin
Squeezin, Imaginin
How delicious it'll be

The world stopped,
Came to a halt
No one else around
Just us, in the zone  
Hypnotized, mesmerized 

Baptized in desire
Testosterone, Pheromones
Adrenaline, dopamine
Oxytocin formin a
Jonz in my Bonz 

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Today we celebrate my mother's 64th birthday.

Although no words can ever really describe what she means to many, I'll give it a try.

The epitome of woman is this mother of mine.
A faithful servant of God and all she comes across. The only daughter to a tough old broad. She smoothed out her own edges, the downfalls she said to have as a young one. At the tender age of 18, she took another's daughter in, raising her alone, until she had children of her own. A loving mother, not strict or super lax. A fair mother involved in all we'd do. Never discouraging, on the contrary, she'd push us through. Not a bible thumper, though always showed us to respect. A bit naive, by the standards of today's world. Seeing the good in all, deserving or not. Nothing has ever wiped the infectious smile off her gorgeous face, even losing her only son. A true test of spirit, belief and faith. Yet she never wavered, she remained herself loving, forgiving and strong. This woman married a younger man, with compassion, patience and unconditional love she molded him to be the best he could be: The best father for my siblings and me. In the face of all that could tear them apart, they came out ahead, not as two but one. Bringing new meaning to "stand by your man", never a bystander but an equal in all they have done. A daughter, mother, spouse, seamstress, school popcorn lady, trucker, grandmother, open-heart surgery survivor,  lover of life, dancer, health enthusiast, Herbalifer, did I mention dancer? 

My first love, my confidant, my conscious, my rock. I will never be as great as she is. But she will forever be the greatest part of me. 

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Work In Progress

I write things down
To keep thoughts 
From recycling in my head 
Over and over and over again.
It may not rhyme, 
Or make much sense 
It may seem trite, 
But it's all mine.
My inner voice, sometimes nice
At times sad, even angry 
Naughty, vile and bad.
Sincere thoughts and feelings    
Raw emotion from a old soul.
A dreamer, enjoying the ride 
Taking it all in, living.
Doing the best to make sense 
Attain a meaningful purpose 
Still a work in progress.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The day a poet died

Twenty-eighth May
The feeling, a somber one
Learned my beloved is 
To move abroad
Soon after news 
A poet legend passed on
I went along my morning ways
Then it hit me by midday
Life itself, is fleeting
Here one day, the next we are gone
It may not always be death
That separates us all
Life, time and distance
Can keep loved one's apart
Tears streamed down,
While looking in my daughter's face
She consoled me as she could
In her loving way.
She asked what I was feeling
As she wiped away my tears
No words at first although I tried,
But more tears for her to dry. 
I spoke of Dr Angelou
But she knew there was more. 
I looked at her straight in the eyes, 
I just could not lie
(Gasp) my friend is moving far away.
Have you known him long? She asked
Since you were really young?
Yes, I said, since high school
I liked him all along.
Relation, association, a little joke
She tried them all.
Maybe you can meet him,
Somewhere in the middle
Take the car and drive.
He can do the same, 
So it won't seem so far.
It is not so easy, baby
Not where one can drive
It is clear across the ocean,
On the world's other side.
Well maybe you can facetime
Talk daily, email, so you won't feel so blue
Don't worry mommy, you'll see him again
Just don't cry anymore.

Monday, May 26, 2014


Undying melody
The overture to your
Eternal masterpiece
Lifetimes strummed on
Devout heart strings

Though apart
Time and distance are but
Silence between notes
Sheets of music - a love untold
Holy, pure silence strengthening
Preparing what will unfold

Ever changing composition
Resonating deep within
The darkness of
An ancient soul
Timeless, boundless and
Forever yours

Forever patient
Awaiting cue to reenter the score
Do tell maestro,
What will the next movement be?
A fifth, perhaps, and final
As weary the fiddler grows

Shall the concerto end
A solemn requiem,
A mournful adieu - closure
Releasing your faithful muse
Shall she inspire no more? Or

A harmonious allegro
Climbing crescendo
Up front and center
In all her glory, for all to hear - exalt
Forever thine and you mine
For all eternity

Wednesday, May 14, 2014


I woke up thinking of you
A dream I was having
On the verge of tears 
An eminent sadness 
Deep within past my diaphragm 
Making it hard to catch a breath

In my dream you were sharing all 
That you hadn't in so many years
For decades kept it all in
To yourself, guarded
It wasn't easy to hear the struggle 
In detail, many seasons of
Seeing, watching me from a distance
While you suffered in silence 

I woke up just as I built up the 
Courage to apologize for 
Leading you on,
If that's what you would call it
For not making it clear, year after 
It was you I always wanted
For not expressing, not just my heart
But what was felt in every ounce 
I too believed you and I 
Had been in another life 

Many other lives,
Back to ancient times
To the rise of the
Chrysanthemum Throne
When you left on a bitter winters day 
Emperors orders to defend the 
Land of the rising sun
Never to be seen again 
Unknowingly leaving behind 
Your first born son and
Me alone in the harsh rural land 
Waiting night after night 
Finding solace and comfort in the 
Autumn moon light 

Centuries past 
Missed crossing paths
Timing always was off
If not you, it was me 
In other relationships, situations
With other important obligations

I will never know why we were 
Not destined to be 
The stars never aligned you and me
Things happen for a reason
Reasons we may never know
We may never comprehend 
Why the gods were never in our favor 
We may never be with one another
Yet we will never be alone
There will always be a harvest moon 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


Well built alter ego  
Concealing a vile
Secret identity 
Dual personality 
Closet Pessimistic 
Overt narcissistic 
Borderline pervasive 
Ticking time bomb
Triggered by the trivial 
Into a manic panic
To control all
But sanity
Temper lost
Rationale gone
Obliterate and offend
No consideration
For the manifested
Wounded hearts
Tortured souls
Glass shattered
Don't matter
Someone else will
Pick up the pieces 

Monday, March 31, 2014

Sweet Child of Mine

A few minutes after putting you to bed tonight you came into the office, stating you could not fall sleep. "When I close my eyes, I hear people yelling and fighting about me." I shushed you away, as I tend to do, brushing it off as an excuse to stay up past your bedtime. You turned around disappointed, walking out the door saying, not so under your breath, "You only care about the old people you work with!" I kept working, trying to cram a weeks worth of undone notes into a Sunday night. Not ten minutes later, I went into your room feeling you might still be awake. You laid there, staring at the ceiling, sheet up to your neck, clenching your Mr. Alf. As I approached your bed, you moved over slightly making space for me to lay down next to you. I obligued, then you happily and sweetly curled up under my arm. Immediately I was transported to a time, not so long ago, when my baby would not fall asleep unless I laid next to her. As I laid there, giving you piojito and cosquillitas, Rockabye Baby's rendition of Guns-N-Roses Sweet Child of Mine came on, further adding to the nostalgia.

Where do we go now, sweet child of mine? With today's sunrise we argued in frustration, at sunset we cuddled restfully. Our relationship, although new, has been an emotional whirlwind. A love, like and not-so-much mother-daughter bond. There in the darkness of your room, on your tiny little bed it was the former. You moved Mr. Alf from in between us, "I don't need him, I'm not lonely anymore." Catharsis, in the smallest action, by a small child. I know what it feels like to feel lonely, while not being alone. I know what it feels like to hold on to a memory, a trinket, a stuffed animal, a lost soul with a glimer of hope. 

The past year has not been an easy one for us. It hasn't been the first, although your recollection believes the contrary and it will not be the last. The decisions that I had to make are not yours to understand now. There will be a time, maybe sooner than later judging by how fast it tends to pass, when the reality may become more clear. It may be until you are more than a daughter, a woman, possibly even a mother when you will fully understand why choices pertaining to you, yet out of your control were made. Why sometimes what appears to be contentment is ruined, followed by a less than favorable transtion to an eventual new norm.

I have been known to say, I would have gotten my PhD by now and it would have been easier than being a mommy. I won't lie and say it isn't true. Even so, I wouldn't trade you and your sister for anything, even the fancy Dr title I so covet. The lessons I have learned and continue to learn about all that I am and strive to be are inspired by the two small, great people in my life. Your sister and you have taught me more about myself, being a woman, a daughter, sister, aunt, mother, human, than anything else ever could. The birth of you both changed me forever. Strength and courage I had no idea existed were also born with you. But it was the toughest decision I had to make that drew out that internal courage, strength, maternal instinct to change the future. It was that decision made for the greater good of all I love, myself included, that will make the people yelling and screaming in your head a faint memory. 3/30/14 RR.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Low Fidelity

Head in the clouds
Forgot to keep 
Feet on the ground
Heart on a sleeve
So green and naive
Rose colored glasses
Disguised red flags 

Hindsight is 20/20
Vision crystal clear 
Auditory too, can 
Drown out the noise
Eliminate distortion
Distinguish the bullshit
No longer fall for 
Gaslight tactics

Twisted truth
Deflected behaviors 
Denied the obvious 
Disguised friendships
Minimized flirtations

Countless, faceless
Objects of affection
"Innocent messages"
Feeding lines 
Filling preconceived voids
Stroking more than egos 
Texting, sexting, cybersexing 
Made up, dreamt up
Erotic fantasies 
-It's not real
Just harmless words

Monogamy isn't just a flesh embodiment 
When you mentally fucked each and every one of them. 

Monday, March 24, 2014

Last Week

I want to remember the week of 3/17/14. Second week of my kids 2 week spring break, road trip planned for Thursday to Albuquerque, NM. Visit family, the zoo, aquarium, etc. By Tuesday, the trip would already have to be pushed back a few hours, maybe even a whole day. Working in home health, flexibility is key and this particular week was no exception. A days worth of not locating patients, several with medical appointments, on the same day, left me frustrated, flustered on the verge of a full-blown temper tantrum. A couple days later, a flat tire, and with no other therapists to cover for me, I somehow convinced the kids to have a stay-cation instead. Luckily, Grandma, who was coming with us decided she'd go ahead and take them along with my grandmother. 

These events weren't particularly important on their own, but together they made for some interesting reactions and interpretations. The one important event was my grandmother's 85th, on Wednesday the 19th. She is my only living grandparent, whom I've been the closest to. In the days leading to her birthday, I spent time talking with her and in a way interviewing her. I asked if she'd let me record our conversations, she agreed. She is the epitome of strength. I admire her and love her dearly. One day, I'd like to write her story, a best I can and hopefully as close to her recollection taken from the recordings. It won't be for anyone other than myself and more importantly for my kids. God willing she will be with us long enough for them to remember her later in their lives. She at 85, they 6 and 8, it is safe to assume the opposite. Even so, I hope to share the amazing life she lived. Not a fancy life but a humble and hard life, by our standard that is. It was she who sacrificed so much, leaving Mexico to provide for her children that allows me to sit here, a Mexican-American woman, writing on a fancy iPad, in English, putting to use the education accessible to me based on geography and legalities. The rest we will leave for another day. 

Aside from my grandmother turning 85, this week I discharged two of my oldest patients 93 and 98. I enjoyed their company so much. It is my job to help patients regain as much independence as possible, yet I can't help feeling I take more away from working with the elderly and infirm. I love what I do, but there are times when it is "a job", which is exactly how this week started. With things not going by the schedule I envisioned, my job was getting in the way of my personal life. And on the day when this sentiment was at its peak, I found myself in the presence of a person who's whole life did not go as planned. A mind in tact, imprisoned in a non-functional body. Legs that can't walk, arms that can't reach, hands that can't grab, a mouth that can't chew or speak. There I was, standing on my two legs, in front of this man in his wheelchair, when just a few minutes before bitching about how my whole day went to shit, my trip would have to be pushed back, I was hungry, had a headache, blah, blah, blah. I wish I could discuss in detail what, in essence my signature can provide for this man. What I can say is it will slightly improve his quality of life and the thought of it brought him so much joy. His face lit up, eyes widened and in his unclear, mustered voice, annunciated "Thank You".

I couldn't help but feel the days events happened as they did for a reason. It wasn't how I would have scheduled, it wasn't my plan, it wasn't on my terms, or my time, but it was the right time. An eye opening time. A reminder of what my purpose is, a reminder of all I am blessed with, of all I am capable of, a reminder to be grateful for having a job, a job that allows me to provide for myself and kids. A job that allows me to provide services to people who cannot care for themselves entirely. That allows me to witness the resiliency of people society deems less fortunate. A job that allows me to witness unconditional, undying, love and devotion. A job that provides opportunity for humility and reflection. 

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Open response to anonymous comment on my blog

"you say that of every guy you've ever come across" 

If you know me, as confidently insinuated in your anonymity, you would also know that your statement is in fact an exaggeration. If you don't know me personally let me clue you in. I was married for 8yrs, separated September of 2012 and single thereafter until 2014. During that time any guy I came across was exactly that, a passerby and if anything shook my hand to introduce himself.  

As this blog states in it's introduction this is MY outlet. What I write includes what I think, feel and maybe, just maybe things that have been said to me. Follow me on this one, on more than one occasion I have been told that "we are meant be". I believe that people have strong bonds, make connections throughout life, even past lives. I believe I have and have had more than one soul mate, my friends included. If I in fact said this about you, to you, then I meant it. It's not my style to talk for the sake of it, especially something this deep. 

If I said this to you or you to me and we are not together - I'm sorry for your loss. Clearly it bothers you that this was expressed in the post dedicated to my current beau. Who in fact says and firmly believes that we, he and I are meant to be. What's more, since we reconnected has not let a day go by without showing how much he cares for and wants me in his life. 

If you and I, Mr. Anonymous, had a connection don't worry, we were meant to be. Whatever impact we had on each other served it's purpose. Every person we encounter plays some role in our life. Some good, some bad, but all are lessons. Having said that, and I hope my advice doesn't offend you or in anyway cross a line. Let this also be a lesson. From this point on, if you ever feel you are meant to be with someone and you truly love them - don't wait for it to happen, make it happen. Love requires action, not just feeling, otherwise it's just infatuation. 

Friday, March 14, 2014


Bit my lip one too many 
Til scar tissue grew numb
Swallowed my pride
Til there was none 
Just a stomach knot 
Tip toed on eggshells 
Til the ingrowns were more than I could bear
Avoided rocking the boat
Til it flipped over on its own
5 foot 4 inches deep in emptiness
Drowning in a self deprecating existence 
The ultimate sacrifice 
Self-respect, dignity, confidence 
To feed your insatiable madness
They say it's a thin line 
But hate is too strong a sentiment
Instead I gift you indifference  
                                      - raquel 

Image credit: Stephanie Moon @moonpiedesigns

Saturday, March 8, 2014

International Women's Day: More Than A Muse

Living under a fallacy
Made up and force fed by society
The pretense a knight in shining armor
Will love and provide unconditionally

Be dainty, be proper
Don't swear, cross your legs
The list is long and goes on

Save face, give it and don't say nothing
Do as I say, not as I do
Sit pretty and breath ever so
Slightly, tread lightly
Be polite
What's mine is mine
Don't mistake it for yours

Your man turned out to be mean?
A liar, womanizer, a drunk and a cheat? So it be
Chin up, smile, look the other way
Sugar, spice and everything nice
Be patient, "love" will prevail

You're a Mexican woman
It's your job to endure
Whatever he gives you
Be it good, bad or ugly
It's what men do,
In our patriarchal society

He gets home late, if at all
Out drinking with his friends
It's ok mija,
He was thinking of you
Taking shots in your name,
Playing rancheras again,
Singing verses he wrote just for you

Don't worry mija, He loves you!
It's true, asi son todos
It's how machos do
Just like his papá,
His grandpa and his tios too

It's part of our culture
It's who we are
Women who stand by their man
Til death do us part

Leave him?
No! That's not even a choice
How dare you!
A woman have a voice?

The time is now
To thine own selves be true
To speak our minds
Be second to none
To break down the walls
Tear down the facade

Stop expecting our daughter's
To live in such misery
By no longer upholding
The mystery of iniquity

We must stand up tall
Show them how to be strong
Demand equality
As a basic necessity

We must no longer
Accept the status quo
Letting go of the guilt
For our own accomplishments
Stop apologizing and enabling
Men's inferiority complex

Rise above, break the silence
End the circle of distrust,
Abuse and violence
Expect more from our boys
Teach our girls what it's like
To be on their own
To build themselves up,
Know their worth in gold
And never, ever settle
For being
Merely a muse