Presence.

On the eve of the 18th anniversary of my brother's death, dining with grandma, I wondered: will this be our last supper? Another question I've pondered: is it harder to lose a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly or to watch them wither away slowly? Having experienced the former and currently the latter, I still don't have a definitive answer. They're both difficult to assimilate. 

While grandma remains incarnate, the inevitable nears. Every movement expends her energy tremendously. Laborious breath after laborious breath, lungs, like old balloons with minimal elasticity no longer inflate to previous capacity. No medical knowledge, background or experience can prepare one for witnessing life slowly escaping a loved one. Painful as it is, respecting and accepting reality gives way to resolve. I suppose that is the gift of being able to say goodbye - resolve. 

Last week, following her shower, I sat on the bathroom floor drying her feet.  Though not a particularly religious person, a vague memory of a biblical story: "Jesus washed someone's feet? Was it the other way around? Mhm... no se." Next: Visions, like a movie reel, of patients I've helped similarly flashed before me. Accompanying thoughts circled through my mind, of where those patients might be now? Connecting dot after dot, following decisions and experiences that prepared me .... 

Then she kissed the crown of my head. No words followed, just her cute giggle and a sincere smile. Few moments are humbling and equally empowering - this was one.

I am where I need to be - present. 

 

luna

You're beautiful baby,

Daily I should've told you

Not a day passes 

Without thinking,

Wishing to see you 

Under a new moon.

Night's reflection 

Accentuating your

Glorious curves 

Silhouette  engraved 

In my memory, branded 

My favorite tattoo.

Color of Her Voice

Sky blue

The color of her voice 

Warm summer rays

Comforting arms

Defrost this heart of mine

How I miss tender lips

Soft tickles down my spine

Ease the overkill, thoughts racing

Trampling through this mind

With one foot out the door

Though she was mine,

I was never hers 

Wrapped up in my head

Pride tore, stole - the one 

Comfortable Silence

Silently lying

Toe to toe, your

Ankle cradled in

My concave arch

Right knee 

Resting upon the peak of

My curvy hip

Palm pressed

On the crest of

My back

Fingers nestled 

In the valley of

My waist 

Warm exhale 

Softly tickling 

My elongated neck

Rhythmic inhale

Whispering me

To sleep 

As you 

Melt into me

Sorrow.

Mourning the passing of an icon, like many I saturated my senses with all things #Bowie. Went to bed with still a bit of sadness, but rested. Today, as Pandora woke me with Life on Mars there it was - the weight of a broken heart. There is a thing about loss which allows us to relate to one another on a deeper level. I'd venture to say more so than love or success, which we all measure and assimilate differently. But loss is loss. Grief is grief. The loss of a loved one strips you to the bone and rocks you to the core. Ever attended a funeral for a colleague, a distant relative, been there for a friend who lost a loved one, not necessarily someone close to you - yet sitting there, paying respects with an emptiness, filled only with the weight pulling from to the back of your throat, through your chest, into the pit of your stomach, tears well up in your eyes, thoughts flow of a loved one you've lost? That is the weight of a broken heart. Though you ache for the family and friends of the departed, you can't help but remember your own sense of loss. We who mourn the Rock God have his music to comfort us. Today I think of the man and the family who knew him as such and loved him the way we love our own. I thought of my brother. Immediately, The Doors (whom he loved) played and I felt the urge to say: make peace with anyone you have strayed from, especially family. The only thing harder than losing a loved one, is losing them when the relationship is strained. This was the case when my brother passed. We were barely beginning to speak after an argument and it was hi/bye/how's it going... It took me years to forgive myself for not making amends - but really how would I have known he'd be gone in the blink of an eye at such a young age? It took me years to not feel guilty, but even now as I type, I choke up. If I knew then what I know now - I would have put my pride aside, taken him up on the previous offers to climb up on the roof of our parent's home, share a blunt, listen to tunes and stare at the stars. Let bygones be. Make peace with loved ones. Made amends. Don't let time pass. When we least expect those we love are gone. Death: "It's only forever... Not long at all."

⚡️

Sitting in the same spot

My bedroom floor

Just a few days ago

Celebrated the life, the genius

Reveled in the magic, new music

Today, listening to the span

Overwhelmed with emotion

Heart torn, mind blown

To the sky - Starman returns

fénix

Didn't need a knight in shining armor,

 not a damsel in distress.

Wasn't on the market to be financed,

 I pick up my own checks.

Didn't require tough love,

 nurtured in a balanced loving home -

 reminded daily of my worth in gold.

With all bases covered,

 didn't need a savior, but an equal.

Mistaken fragments, pieces,

 thought they were my own.

Assumed my wings were broken,

 as you're accustomed to.

I was what you didn't know you needed

 a mirror, catalyst -

For unraveling your truth.

The light, smile in your eyes,

 the love, devotion, butterflies -

 all real, never lies.

It was true love at first sight -

 one that stood the test of time.

Just not meant to forever last -

 it's ok miss, remember, embrace it.

May it's light heal your heart and soul

 as it did mine.