The day a poet died

Twenty-eighth May

The feeling, a somber one

Learned my beloved is 

To move abroad

Soon after news 

A poet legend passed on

I went along my morning ways

Then it hit me by midday

Life itself, is fleeting

Here one day, the next we are gone

It may not always be death

That separates us all

Life, time and distance

Can keep loved one's apart

 

Tears streamed down,

While looking in my daughter's face

She consoled me as she could

In her loving way.

She asked what I was feeling

As she wiped away my tears

No words at first although I tried,

But more tears for her to dry. 

I spoke of Dr Angelou

But she knew there was more. 

I looked at her straight in the eyes, 

I just could not lie

(Gasp) my friend is moving far away.

Have you known him long? She asked

Since you were really young?

Yes, I said, since high school

I liked him all along.

 

Relation, association, a little joke

She tried them all.

Maybe you can meet him,

Somewhere in the middle

Take the car and drive.

He can do the same, 

So it won't seem so far.

It is not so easy, baby

Not where one can drive

It is clear across the ocean,

On the world's other side.

Well maybe you can facetime

Talk daily, email, so you won't feel so blue

Don't worry mommy, you'll see him again

Just don't cry anymore.

 

Amado

Undying melody
The overture to your
Eternal masterpiece
Lifetimes strummed on
Devout heart strings

Though apart
Time and distance are but
Silence between notes
Sheets of music - a love untold
Holy, pure silence strengthening
Preparing what will unfold

Ever changing composition
Resonating deep within
The darkness of
An ancient soul
Timeless, boundless and
Forever yours

Forever patient
Awaiting cue to reenter the score
Do tell maestro,

What will the next movement be?
A fifth, perhaps, and final
As weary the fiddler grows

Shall the concerto end
A solemn requiem,
A mournful adieu - closure
Releasing your faithful muse
Shall she inspire no more? Or

A harmonious allegro
Climbing crescendo
Up front and center
In all her glory, for all to hear - exalt

Forever thine and you mine

For all eternity

mūn

I woke up thinking of you

A dream I was having

On the verge of tears 

An eminent sadness 

Deep within past my diaphragm 

Making it hard to catch a breath

In my dream you were sharing all 

That you hadn't in so many years

For decades kept it all in

To yourself, guarded

It wasn't easy to hear the struggle 

In detail, many seasons of

Seeing, watching me from a distance

While you suffered in silence 

I woke up just as I built up the 

Courage to apologize for 

Leading you on,

If that's what you would call it

For not making it clear, year after 

It was you I always wanted

For not expressing, not just my heart

But what was felt in every ounce 

I too believed you and I 

Had been in another life 

Many other lives,

Back to ancient times

To the rise of the

Chrysanthemum Throne

When you left on a bitter winters day 

Emperors orders to defend the 

Land of the rising sun

Never to be seen again 

Unknowingly leaving behind 

Your first born son and

Me alone in the harsh rural land 

Waiting night after night 

Finding solace and comfort in the 

Autumn moon light 

Centuries past 

Missed crossing paths

Timing always was off

If not you, it was me 

In other relationships, situations

With other important obligations

I will never know why we were 

Not destined to be 

The stars never aligned you and me

Things happen for a reason

Reasons we may never know

We may never comprehend 

Why the gods were never in our favor 

We may never be with one another

Yet we will never be alone

There will always be a harvest moon 

dsm

Well built alter ego  

Concealing a vile

Secret identity 

Subconscious

Dual personality 

Closet Pessimistic 

Overt narcissistic 

Borderline pervasive 

Depressive 

Ticking time bomb

Triggered by the trivial 

Into a manic panic

To control all

But sanity

Temper lost

Rationale gone

Obliterate and offend

Condescend

No consideration

For the manifested

Battleground 

Wounded hearts

Tortured souls

Glass shattered

Don't matter

Someone else will

Pick up the pieces 

Sweet Child of Mine

A few minutes after putting you to bed tonight you came into the office, stating you could not fall sleep. "When I close my eyes, I hear people yelling and fighting about me." I shushed you away, as I tend to do, brushing it off as an excuse to stay up past your bedtime. You turned around disappointed, walking out the door saying, not so under your breath, "You only care about the old people you work with!" I kept working, trying to cram a weeks worth of undone notes into a Sunday night. Not ten minutes later, I went into your room feeling you might still be awake. You laid there, staring at the ceiling, sheet up to your neck, clenching your Mr. Alf. As I approached your bed, you moved over slightly making space for me to lay down next to you. I obligued, then you happily and sweetly curled up under my arm. Immediately I was transported to a time, not so long ago, when my baby would not fall asleep unless I laid next to her. As I laid there, giving you piojito and cosquillitas, Rockabye Baby's rendition of Guns-N-Roses Sweet Child of Mine came on, further adding to the nostalgia.

Where do we go now, sweet child of mine? With today's sunrise we argued in frustration, at sunset we cuddled restfully. Our relationship, although new, has been an emotional whirlwind. A love, like and not-so-much mother-daughter bond. There in the darkness of your room, on your tiny little bed it was the former. You moved Mr. Alf from in between us, "I don't need him, I'm not lonely anymore." Catharsis, in the smallest action, by a small child. I know what it feels like to feel lonely, while not being alone. I know what it feels like to hold on to a memory, a trinket, a stuffed animal, a lost soul with a glimer of hope. 

The past year has not been an easy one for us. It hasn't been the first, although your recollection believes the contrary and it will not be the last. The decisions that I had to make are not yours to understand now. There will be a time, maybe sooner than later judging by how fast it tends to pass, when the reality may become more clear. It may be until you are more than a daughter, a woman, possibly even a mother when you will fully understand why choices pertaining to you, yet out of your control were made. Why sometimes what appears to be contentment is ruined, followed by a less than favorable transtion to an eventual new norm.

I have been known to say, I would have gotten my PhD by now and it would have been easier than being a mommy. I won't lie and say it isn't true. Even so, I wouldn't trade you and your sister for anything, even the fancy Dr title I so covet. The lessons I have learned and continue to learn about all that I am and strive to be are inspired by the two small, great people in my life. Your sister and you have taught me more about myself, being a woman, a daughter, sister, aunt, mother, human, than anything else ever could. The birth of you both changed me forever. Strength and courage I had no idea existed were also born with you. But it was the toughest decision I had to make that drew out that internal courage, strength, maternal instinct to change the future. It was that decision made for the greater good of all I love, myself included, that will make the people yelling and screaming in your head a faint memory. 3/30/14 RR.

Low Fidelity

Head in the clouds

Forgot to keep 

Feet on the ground

Heart on a sleeve

So green and naive

Rose colored glasses

Disguised red flags 

Hindsight is 20/20

Vision crystal clear 

Auditory too, can 

Drown out the noise

Eliminate distortion

Distinguish the bullshit

No longer fall for 

Manipulations,

Gaslight tactics

Twisted truth

Deflected behaviors 

Denied the obvious 

Disguised friendships

Minimized flirtations

Countless, faceless

Objects of affection

"Innocent messages"

Feeding lines 

Filling preconceived voids

Stroking more than egos 

Texting, sexting, cybersexing 

Made up, dreamt up

Erotic fantasies 

-It's not real

Just harmless words

Monogamy isn't just a flesh embodiment 

When you mentally fucked each and every one of them. 

 

Last Week

I want to remember the week of 3/17/14. Second week of my kids 2 week spring break, road trip planned for Thursday to Albuquerque, NM. Visit family, the zoo, aquarium, etc. By Tuesday, the trip would already have to be pushed back a few hours, maybe even a whole day. Working in home health, flexibility is key and this particular week was no exception. A days worth of not locating patients, several with medical appointments, on the same day, left me frustrated, flustered on the verge of a full-blown temper tantrum. A couple days later, a flat tire, and with no other therapists to cover for me, I somehow convinced the kids to have a stay-cation instead. Luckily, Grandma, who was coming with us decided she'd go ahead and take them along with my grandmother. 

These events weren't particularly important on their own, but together they made for some interesting reactions and interpretations. The one important event was my grandmother's 85th, on Wednesday the 19th. She is my only living grandparent, whom I've been the closest to. In the days leading to her birthday, I spent time talking with her and in a way interviewing her. I asked if she'd let me record our conversations, she agreed. She is the epitome of strength. I admire her and love her dearly. One day, I'd like to write her story, a best I can and hopefully as close to her recollection taken from the recordings. It won't be for anyone other than myself and more importantly for my kids. God willing she will be with us long enough for them to remember her later in their lives. She at 85, they 6 and 8, it is safe to assume the opposite. Even so, I hope to share the amazing life she lived. Not a fancy life but a humble and hard life, by our standard that is. It was she who sacrificed so much, leaving Mexico to provide for her children that allows me to sit here, a Mexican-American woman, writing on a fancy iPad, in English, putting to use the education accessible to me based on geography and legalities. The rest we will leave for another day. 

Aside from my grandmother turning 85, this week I discharged two of my oldest patients 93 and 98. I enjoyed their company so much. It is my job to help patients regain as much independence as possible, yet I can't help feeling I take more away from working with the elderly and infirm. I love what I do, but there are times when it is "a job", which is exactly how this week started. With things not going by the schedule I envisioned, my job was getting in the way of my personal life. And on the day when this sentiment was at its peak, I found myself in the presence of a person who's whole life did not go as planned. A mind in tact, imprisoned in a non-functional body. Legs that can't walk, arms that can't reach, hands that can't grab, a mouth that can't chew or speak. There I was, standing on my two legs, in front of this man in his wheelchair, when just a few minutes before bitching about how my whole day went to shit, my trip would have to be pushed back, I was hungry, had a headache, blah, blah, blah. I wish I could discuss in detail what, in essence my signature can provide for this man. What I can say is it will slightly improve his quality of life and the thought of it brought him so much joy. His face lit up, eyes widened and in his unclear, mustered voice, annunciated "Thank You".

I couldn't help but feel the days events happened as they did for a reason. It wasn't how I would have scheduled, it wasn't my plan, it wasn't on my terms, or my time, but it was the right time. An eye opening time. A reminder of what my purpose is, a reminder of all I am blessed with, of all I am capable of, a reminder to be grateful for having a job, a job that allows me to provide for myself and kids. A job that allows me to provide services to people who cannot care for themselves entirely. That allows me to witness the resiliency of people society deems less fortunate. A job that allows me to witness unconditional, undying, love and devotion. A job that provides opportunity for humility and reflection.