Crisis Unblocked

I keep saying to myself, I need to put my thoughts down. And while I have so much to say about the current events beyond regurgitated memes and Twitter screenshots - I also have nothing to say that likely hasn’t already been said. I haven’t written in so long, for many reasons. But mainly because I am no expert in anything, my thoughts are just that. Inspiration historically came via desperation. Previously have joked about only writing when I have a broken heart. Romantically speaking. The truth is my heart is broken. My heart is breaking for humanity. All the time and energy we have spent criticizing one another for our differences, the powers at be in a tug of war - While our city suffers. Our ideologies have overshadowed what we claim to want to protect. This year has shown no mercy. This godforsaken virus has attacked everywhere and without discrimination. But the reality is that while we are all equal, the circumstances in which a person lives in - the how, when and where they fall ill will not be. The risk of someone catching COVID while working at a supermarket, shopping and packing my pick-up is not lost on me. She may be a single mom, putting up with all the shit that is retail during a motherfucking pandemic just to stay afloat. Without knowing one another - she is risking her life, so I do not have to. And I think, what more can I do? My lower self would say: limiting my trips to the store, being one less person is helpful. My business helps create jobs - I am participating in the economy. While that might be true, what happens when she does get sick? Quarantine time means no pay check, maybe she has no health insurance… A woman in her 40s passed away recently of COVID. I know nothing about her - but that she was in my age group. Potentially, both her parents and her children could be mourning the loss of their child and mother. I have not lost either, though I imagine these are amongst, if not the hardest to endure. Without taking away from the emotional heaviness of mourning, the socioeconomic and psychosocial imbalance now shifted in that family unit can be one so great they may never recover. The ripple effects, seismic waves changing the landscape of this very place we call home.

Solidaridad.

When they come marching

  arms raised, erect hands

  screaming rage filled chants

When they come waving torches

 flames flickering in the night's breeze

 wavering like the hate in their hearts

Fear not - my beautiful Brown, Black, Feminist, Immigrant, Jewish, Muslim, Queer, Trans hermanas and brothers,

You are not alone

I see you

I feel you

I love you

I'm with you

I am you. 

And She Was.

And there amongst 

  the chaos of familiarity,

She stood - timeless.

Where my eyes glanced,

  My heart took a second look

And my soul knew. 

 

Inspired by the lens and love of @rebelesotetic

Mexicana al Grito

 

Hijo mío, querido 

No te des por vencido 

Esta es una batalla de muchas

Que se ha peleado por siglos

 

Cielo mío

No te avergüences del mar de tu apellido

Del sol de tu cabello castaño, 

De la rica tierra de tu piel morena

De la cultura que corre por tus venas 

 

Hijos míos, adelante

Aunque nos separen

No me arrepiento de lo hecho

De sacarlos adelante

 

Tesoros Míos

Sean valientes 

Únanse a la causa 

Eleven sus voces, peleen

Por el inmigrante, el jornalero, la indígena 

Vidas mías

Que su canto al pueblo despierte 

A las injusticias que se vierten

En el corazón colectivo de nuestra gente 

Hija mía, valiente 

Eleva tu frente

Ardiente fervor,

Sagrado vientre, resiste 

En tus venas, mi sangre 

Guerrera por siempre.

Presence.

On the eve of the 18th anniversary of my brother's death, dining with grandma, I wondered: will this be our last supper? Another question I've pondered: is it harder to lose a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly or to watch them wither away slowly? Having experienced the former and currently the latter, I still don't have a definitive answer. They're both difficult to assimilate. 

While grandma remains incarnate, the inevitable nears. Every movement expends her energy tremendously. Laborious breath after laborious breath, lungs, like old balloons with minimal elasticity no longer inflate to previous capacity. No medical knowledge, background or experience can prepare one for witnessing life slowly escaping a loved one. Painful as it is, respecting and accepting reality gives way to resolve. I suppose that is the gift of being able to say goodbye - resolve. 

Last week, following her shower, I sat on the bathroom floor drying her feet.  Though not a particularly religious person, a vague memory of a biblical story: "Jesus washed someone's feet? Was it the other way around? Mhm... no se." Next: Visions, like a movie reel, of patients I've helped similarly flashed before me. Accompanying thoughts circled through my mind, of where those patients might be now? Connecting dot after dot, following decisions and experiences that prepared me .... 

Then she kissed the crown of my head. No words followed, just her cute giggle and a sincere smile. Few moments are humbling and equally empowering - this was one.

I am where I need to be - present. 

 

luna

You're beautiful baby,

Daily I should've told you

Not a day passes 

Without thinking,

Wishing to see you 

Under a new moon.

Night's reflection 

Accentuating your

Glorious curves 

Silhouette  engraved 

In my memory, branded 

My favorite tattoo.

Color of Her Voice

Sky blue

The color of her voice 

Warm summer rays

Comforting arms

Defrost this heart of mine

How I miss tender lips

Soft tickles down my spine

Ease the overkill, thoughts racing

Trampling through this mind

With one foot out the door

Though she was mine,

I was never hers 

Wrapped up in my head

Pride tore, stole - the one 

Comfortable Silence

Silently lying

Toe to toe, your

Ankle cradled in

My concave arch

Right knee 

Resting upon the peak of

My curvy hip

Palm pressed

On the crest of

My back

Fingers nestled 

In the valley of

My waist 

Warm exhale 

Softly tickling 

My elongated neck

Rhythmic inhale

Whispering me

To sleep 

As you 

Melt into me

Sorrow.

Mourning the passing of an icon, like many I saturated my senses with all things #Bowie. Went to bed with still a bit of sadness, but rested. Today, as Pandora woke me with Life on Mars there it was - the weight of a broken heart. There is a thing about loss which allows us to relate to one another on a deeper level. I'd venture to say more so than love or success, which we all measure and assimilate differently. But loss is loss. Grief is grief. The loss of a loved one strips you to the bone and rocks you to the core. Ever attended a funeral for a colleague, a distant relative, been there for a friend who lost a loved one, not necessarily someone close to you - yet sitting there, paying respects with an emptiness, filled only with the weight pulling from to the back of your throat, through your chest, into the pit of your stomach, tears well up in your eyes, thoughts flow of a loved one you've lost? That is the weight of a broken heart. Though you ache for the family and friends of the departed, you can't help but remember your own sense of loss. We who mourn the Rock God have his music to comfort us. Today I think of the man and the family who knew him as such and loved him the way we love our own. I thought of my brother. Immediately, The Doors (whom he loved) played and I felt the urge to say: make peace with anyone you have strayed from, especially family. The only thing harder than losing a loved one, is losing them when the relationship is strained. This was the case when my brother passed. We were barely beginning to speak after an argument and it was hi/bye/how's it going... It took me years to forgive myself for not making amends - but really how would I have known he'd be gone in the blink of an eye at such a young age? It took me years to not feel guilty, but even now as I type, I choke up. If I knew then what I know now - I would have put my pride aside, taken him up on the previous offers to climb up on the roof of our parent's home, share a blunt, listen to tunes and stare at the stars. Let bygones be. Make peace with loved ones. Made amends. Don't let time pass. When we least expect those we love are gone. Death: "It's only forever... Not long at all."

⚡️

Sitting in the same spot

My bedroom floor

Just a few days ago

Celebrated the life, the genius

Reveled in the magic, new music

Today, listening to the span

Overwhelmed with emotion

Heart torn, mind blown

To the sky - Starman returns

fénix

Didn't need a knight in shining armor,

 not a damsel in distress.

Wasn't on the market to be financed,

 I pick up my own checks.

Didn't require tough love,

 nurtured in a balanced loving home -

 reminded daily of my worth in gold.

With all bases covered,

 didn't need a savior, but an equal.

Mistaken fragments, pieces,

 thought they were my own.

Assumed my wings were broken,

 as you're accustomed to.

I was what you didn't know you needed

 a mirror, catalyst -

For unraveling your truth.

The light, smile in your eyes,

 the love, devotion, butterflies -

 all real, never lies.

It was true love at first sight -

 one that stood the test of time.

Just not meant to forever last -

 it's ok miss, remember, embrace it.

May it's light heal your heart and soul

 as it did mine. 

Love and Light

Stepped into warm waters

Hide away welled up tears

Wash away the day's troubles

A time out, pause, reflect

Thoughts replayed back to 

Conversations of days past

Realizing these sorrows, fears

Minuscule in comparison 

There are never words found

Deep enough for a loss so profound

One cannot say "I feel your pain"

Insensitive to say "I can relate"

While we all have loved and lost

Have dreams fall apart

Felt a rug pulled under feet

A life envisioned turned bleak

There are never words

One can say to ease the pain

Drown out the loud silence

Fill the void, the darkness

Of all deepest condolences

Thoughts, prayers bestowed 

But three words resonate

 - Love To You.

Photo Credit: S.Rebeles @rebelesoteric.com

I wrote this piece on 11/11 for a friend who lost his spouse earlier this year. Re-reading it after the events last week, sharing it felt right.

For the City of Light, for Beirut, for Baghdad, for Syria, for all who have lost a loved one, their home, their country, their liberty... 

The more love and light we send, the less darkness there will be.

El Dia de Mi Partida

No temo la muerte, la respeto 

Es por ella que 

La vida apreció

No sé cuando 

Ni cómo me encuentre

En ese día,

De mi despedida

Entre lágrimas saladas 

Dulce compañía, tequila

Sones, ofrendas 

Copal, cempasúchitl

Bailare en las mentes

Cantaré en los corazones

De mis seres queridos

Entre los recuerdos 

Eterna vida será mía

Brother.

I'd be lying if I said,

I thought of you every single day.

After all, it's been 17 years,

Since you went away.

At first, it was incredibly hard.

At times, I'd walk though the door,

Bite my tongue, on the verge of 

Asking where you were.

For myself I can say,

The pain has passed.

Just as you would've liked,

Life has gone on.

Every now and again,

I catch myself wondering

What you'd be like?
What you'd think of modern life?

Of all which has transpired?

Smashing's 1979 came on,

Makes me think of you.

Coincidentally, the year of your birth.

I wonder if you'd be into the same scene.

Hendrix, The Doors, Soda Estereo,

Writing poems, riding bikes, smoking blunts?

Would you have outgrown them all?

Would you be married with kids,

All serious and tied down?

I bet you'd still be young at heart.

One thing I know for sure,

You'd be crazy about my girls.

I do wonder if now unlike then,

We'd made amends, be on speaking terms?

Would you be proud of your big sis?

Or still question my life decisions?

I like to think you'd be impressed.

Not my title and career, to you

These would be insignificant.

You'd be glad I finally realized,

You were right about what's his face.

I like to think you'd agree

I turned out alright,

Significantly more chill

Than what you'd perceived.

Much older and wiser,

Surely we'd let bygones be.

Agree to disagree, heck

We might've turned out to be 

- Best buddies.

Bittersweet, life turns out to be.

Gone in an eye's blink.

Though you left with no regrets,

As the good tend to.

Year after year, 

We in the fish bowl -

Wish you were here.

#CeciltheLion

Majestic African king

Eyes of Hazel, 

Golden Mane.

Against all odds

A loner self made,

Leader of the pride.

We failed you,

Your majesty.

Allowed the vile

To name his price.

Disgrace your kingdom 

Your throne gentrify. 

Cecil, We failed you.

Allowed the devil's

Privilege, white 

As his coat.

With his hyenas 

Enter the motherland

Desecrate your reign. 

We failed 

To protect you,

Your royal highness,

As you did your pride.

As certain as the sunrise

Your mane, your name

Will be avenged. 

Freedom in Anonymity

Party of 3

Tough Loving Pops

Thinking about you today
On Father’s Day, trying to find
The perfect words to say
While I think and ponder 
How my life has been
Through thick and thin
You’ve always been there for me.
We have not always agreed
In fact, often butted heads.
I never understood until
Just now, it dawned on me
A straight up epiphany.

All those years, I called growing pains
Discussions, arguments, tantrums
Trying to get my way
You stood your ground
As I did, to your dismay.
“If you don’t stand for something
You’ll fall for anything”
Those words you taught me,
Always stayed with in my head.
Through your tough love,
A perceived lack of nurturing
I learned just that.
To stand up, fight for my beliefs
Even if they went against Dad’s.

You didn’t edit your content
Sugar coat your words
You didn’t give in to,
Your sweet little girl.
You didn’t hug constantly
Dry away my tears,
That is what mom is for.
She has always been my pillar
Gotten credit for who I am
Yet I realize, more than ever
One tough old man
Shaped my character.

It only took 37 years 
To realize the tough love 
Of one constant man
Made me stronger, than any man.
So much so, I’ve proven
I don’t need one to stand.
For that, I am eternally indebted.
Through your tough love,
I grew into the woman
I was born to be.
As I am proud to call you father,
Hope you are equally proud of me.
For all I am, I owe to you.
Much like Cash’s
Boy Named Sue

Lighter Shade of Mood

Never got around to writing that song 

'Bout thinking and missing 

'Bout returning from a visit 

Coming off the high of with you being

The thought was always there

Though the words would not come 

Wasn't quite as dark, indigo mood

Many moods, lighter shades of blue

Never got around to writing them blues

'Bout all the different shades, moods gone through

From the faintest, lightest sky 

To the deepest, starkest ocean hue

Never got around to writing that,

For a song author I am not

Though the words didn't come 

Maybe it's the thoughts that count

Never got around to writing....

Damn, I've forgotten what 

Drawing up a blank, case of writers block

After all is said & done & done & said

Guess the thrill is gone.

HIBOTAN🌙🌵

Do not shower me with flowers

Be the water, quench my thirst

Do not over water, drown me

Leave me room for growth

Be the caring hands, transplant me

When the world around becomes too trifling 

When roots are overcrowded tipping

Over, falling unbalanced from overgrowth

Be sustenance, feed my mind

Pollinate my every thought

Propagate my offspring - respect

Support and kindness to all you come across

When all the work, care and nurturing

Become too much to maintain

With trimming shears, remove what needs to

Careful not to cut yourself

Be constant in your resolve, do not fear 

I will not wither or dry out

Do not startle, or be confounded to find

I was never a delicate rose,

still a cactus bloom